So I'm making some time to write in this for once. More to vent than anything because I'm really frustrated where I'm at right now. Even though its miles ahead of the past. Sometimes you can't push future fast enough. My impatience for myself has always been my downfall and my patience for others another one. So where am I? Let's see:
-Exercise freak (at least 3 a day and working on leaping to 6 once Lisa and I can find some kind of workable schedule between the two of our work timings. Usually 300-500 rows a day. Full chest, arm, obliques and ab workout every third day. Where 5 lb weights on each leg every day for at least 10 hours straight.)
-Nutritional freak (I'm eating healthier and healthier and smaller meals with small snacks. Drink almost exclusively water or propel)
-I can count the number of days I've drank since September through 9 fingers.
-I've smoked only one cigar and two cigarettes since quitting in September and all three were times associated with the drinking.
-I've smoked the green goddess once since cleaning myself out for my drug test.
-I'm already starting to put money back in my savings account.
-I've got an awesome new tattoo
-My friends are awesome
-I've gotten on good terms with my trainer and she's making sure I get 40 hours a week.
-I'm getting a lot of free meals via the free clinic and other people giving me leftovers. Therefore saving huge on food.
-My drug knowledge is expanding everyday so that I now can visual problem lists in my head as I hand over prescriptions.
-My weekly allergy shots are starting to make a difference.

So with all this why am I still stuck in an oubliette? Its frustrating to tears. It might be that I'm overworking myself. I mean I work 40 hours a week at CVS. Volunteer usually at least 12 hours at the Free Clinic a week. Workout usually 2-3 hours a day. Therefore when I chart things out I usually only have about 10-12 hours a week I'm not doing one of these three things, since sleep has to be factored in and same with eating and showering. I think this lack of time for myself is what is driving me nuts since I usually use this time to push forward in my state and national pharmacy technician certifications. The only time for myself therefore comes when I sacrifice sleep to socialize. I know this isn't healthy but what the hell can I do? I have so many things to do still. I haven't touched my GRE stuff in two months. I still feel so far away from the end of this tech. course. Loneliness is starting to kick me in the stink joints. I suppress the depression, frustration, and loneliness most times, but it seems to eddy out of my body like an aura waiting to react. I think what I miss most is just being close to a female of a caring standpoint. I mean there is Lisa, but she's off limits. I'd never hit on her despite the fact that I'm attracted to her just b/c it would be the end of my friendship with Rodney since he's madly in love with her, but can't have her regardless since she's told him he's friend zone only. Always friends first and she's probably much better as a friend anyway. Outside of Lisa, all my female friends have moved. It makes me angry that I'm feeling this codependency thing b/c I thought I conquered the need for it, but it kind of keeps sneaking up on me. I refuse to need anyone. I need to become a cold obelisk to complete all my goals. I'm sure I'd just meet a girl who'd try to use me or abuse me again. I'm a little bitter and I should use that to make myself stronger.

Well I feel better now. I just had to blurt things down to release a little frustration.

I get my next tattoo at 3PM today. 13 hours from now I'm going to be gritting it for another custom piece. I'm super stoked. This is going to be the best Thanksgiving ever.

I'm going to take my first big fitness jump. I've been wearing 5 lb weights on each leg all day every three days for several months now and I'm going to take the leap to wearing them everyday all day, except when weight lifting and running. Hopefully in three months past this I can up the weight to 10 lbs on each leg and wear the 5's while running. The first triathlon I plan on attending is mid-March so I want to be ready to teach people my determination.

I guess it finally hit me like I suppose it would/should eventually. I mean I do have biological drive after all. :/ I feel somewhat lonely after last night. It was weekly Poker Night at Ron and against better judgment I drank and smoked the Mary Jane once more. The later can be out of my system in 7 days b/c of how little I smoked, but that's not the true issue. It just shows my will broke down for me to drink and smoke again when I really don't have a desire to do such. I've kinda shook free again upon rising, but hindsight always comes with consequences.

I went from being excited at making 2x pay for 9 hours yesterday b/c it was a holiday to feeling melancholy about my singleness behind a nest of chips. I guess its really been awhile now since I've dated someone seriously and I'm starting to feel a little lonely. I've got so good plans for my future, but I still want that future to involve someone else intimately. I think it also has to do with my friend base here. There is Rodney and his associates and that's it. They smoke pot everyday and play a lot of video games/tv and I really don't want to be doing either. Someone new I hadn't met before in that group, Rose, played last night and she was making blatant hints all night she'd like to have sex with me, but it seemed weird to me to be hit on by a mid 30's woman who seemed almost desperate for attention. She was a beautiful woman, but something about it just didn't sit right. Maybe its just my inhibition of being seen as prepubescent with my first real job finally under my belt and living at home until I can accumulate some funds. I only have myself to give at this point and I feel like for most women this wouldn't be enough. I can't spare money for a lot of things b/c I have large goals to undertake before I can freely spend money. So a woman would have to settle for me and nothing more. I'd like to think this is enough, but the hunting/gathering game shows this as a small possibility.

The people I work with I like immensely so far other than a couple people, who are actually being weeded out of hours b/c no one likes them much and they have bad work ethic. Everyone seems to have a significant other too, which is fine since I don't dip my pen in company ink, but its frustrating as well to be the only really single person there. Most of the employees don't hang out with each other outside the store either which seems sad to me. One of the girls there, Misty, is trying to do the same exact thing with Psychology as me. Down to the PsyD and direction of program. Out of all the people there I think I've hit it off best with her and she's really cool. I told her she had to get her husband to take her out so she'd stop stressing out so bad about getting into a program b/c she wants it as badly as I do. When you want something to that degree you find a way to get it. Out of all the people there she's by far my favorite outside of my friend Craig who got me the job. The head Pharmacist is really pushing my training down my throat too so she can get me a pay raise as soon as possible. She's a really cool lady as well and said that I'm already full-time material so once she can get the hour permissions I'm going to be such. Its good to know that people realize when you're a hard worker and you take your job seriously. Once I'm certified, completely trained, and have taken the GRE I'm going to grab a second job. I set my hopes high with a $20K goal in the next couple years, but its a new challenge to test my frugality.

Now to spend my time wisely or enjoy one of my days off? Maybe a little of both for balance.

I have so little time to write here, but I'm trying as a concerted effort to keep a running long of what's going on with me and to log milestones. A lot of interesting things have happened of late once again.

Friday I got called by CVS and told I had the job although at a much lower salary than I expected, $8.50/hr, but then I thought that realistically this is pretty decent for a uncertified pharmacy tech. in a low-cost living town. I mean price of living here is so much lower than it was in Tallahassee. Plus they told me once I am state certified, which they reimburse me for (the test that is), I get a $500 bonus and get bumped to $9.50. I also get another $2.00 raise once I have my national certification and reimbursement for that test as well. Plus, once I become a lead tech. even more once again. So I could potentially make around 2-4 pay hikes in a 6-month period. Not too shabby I think. I only got started part-time, but I'll be moved up to full-time by the end of December (probably to avoid paying me for holiday pay over Thanksgiving and Christmas). Once I'm full-time its 90 days until benefits and a payhike based on performance. Part-time has proved to be pretty dece anyways. I still have to finish my course and take the state test so its good in that regard. Second, I have to study for the GRE's still and widdle down prospective schools for my PsyD program. Third, I want to continue to volunteer 15 hours a week at the free-clinic. Lastly, I'm still working around 30-35 hours a week so I won't be hurting on cash. I mean I worked 15 hours in the last two days. Plus I'm getting paid for all the take home training on top of it. So I'll probably slam out right under 40 this week, since I was told to not exceed 39 even though it'd be pretty easy for me to. I'm going to be a work ma-chine. I hope to collect 20k in the next two years outside of expenses. I know I can do this since I'm a cheap motherfucker and then I'll have enough to move to whatever state I need to and pay my first semester of gradschool straight out.

Sunday and Monday as said I worked 15 hours between the two days and did 2 1/2 hours of take home training. Saturday I spent time playing poker with Rodney and the gang. I was fifth out of 8 but that's not too bad and it was a good time. $5 buy in is not expensive enough for me to refuse. I also charted my workout growth and found I am now at 10% body fat. Lower than I've ever been before. I feel awesome too. I have so much energy I only have to sleep around 5 hours to feel rested anymore. Now is just tone time as said in my last entry. Then I'll be my idea of adonis and content. I'm thinking of signing up for a 1/2 mile marathon sometime within the next couple months as well. It'd be interesting to see where I stand. I defintiely am going to sign up for a local 5k once one is available. I know I can smoke kids in a 3 mile run now. All my weighted runs has made me much faster. Its so exciting to make so much progress. I've never been happier.

The only strange thing that has happened of late is I got a message from my ex Jenna on facebook Saturday. She made the first truly apologetic notion towards me for how shitty she treated me and asked for me to forgive her. I don't know how far I trust it, but I've already forgiven her b/c holding shit like that only hurts the bearer in the long run. I really believe she's a good person underneath all that jaded shit she carries and that's who I feel in love with, but I won't be a punching bag any longer. I wrote her back a long message explaining my take on things, how I'd forgiven her, used the awful shit she did to me to strengthen myself and change for the better, and how whatever interaction we have from now on if any I wish her the best. My faith speaks to me to forgive, for all people have the ability to find the right path, and I know myself have done some fucked up shit so not doing so is hipocritical. I'm interested to see what reply I get if any, but its good to hear an apology and know she's doing well.

Also I'm getting my newest tattoo sometime soon. I have to run by the shop this weekend to check out the design he's sketched out. He's been working on it for about a month so I'm excited to see what he's done. Well time to make that money and do somemore take home training and then its free clinic for the rest of the night, workout, read, then sleep.

Its good to focus on me for a change. :D

P.S. Isn't my song choice appropriate Liz? ;)

Neko Case's 'Fox Confessor Brings the Flood' is quickly becoming one of my favorite cds ever, but its also extremely dark and disturbing. It makes me think of a rolling nightmare set to a vocal cherry blossom spray. Especially my favorite song 'Dirty Knife'... See lyrics here:

So suddenly the madness came
With it's whiskered, wolven, ether pangs
He locked the door
And he shut the blinds
He laid down on the floor and he slept like iron
While the dirty knife worked deep
Into his spine
The blood runs crazy
The blood runs crazy

Cascading letters pool on the stairs
The grass is high, the cats are wild
You can't even touch the tip of their tails
And the blood runs crazy with giant strides

He sang nursery rhymes to paralyze
The wolves that Eddy out the corner of his eyes
But they squared him frozen where he stood
In the glow of the furniture piled high for firewood

And the blood runs crazy with giant strides
And the woodsman failed to breech those fangs in time
So they dragged him through the underbrush
Wearing three winter coats and a dirty knife

Ukrainian Part :

Кричить шалено, стрекоче зубами
(krichit shaleno, strekoche zubami) -> He shouts very loudly, grinding his teeth
La la la la, la la la la

Кричить шалено, стрекоче зубами
(krichit shaleno, strekoche zubami)
La la la la, la la la la

I find myself setting this song on repeat, especially of late. I've been getting into a dark mood of late. I haven't exercised in three days which is very bad and unlike me. I've felt this hollowness behind my eyes as if the world is quickly succumbing to entropy annihilation. I hate when I get like this. I have to force myself back into exercise tomorrow before I leave for the weekend, because I'm starting to have daymares, where I just phase out and the nightmares that haunt me at night take over my sight off and on. I know better than to stop exercising just b/c of the return to nightmares, brooding over being alone, the darkness wrapping me like silk, and becoming overly anxious.

On the upside I might finally have a foot in the door at a CVS in town b/c my friend who just signed as a Pharmacist there is going to be my reference since he told me they need pharmacy techs. I just hope it comes through. I'm definitely crossing my fingers I just don't want to hope too hard and feel like shit again. I mean I've scoured this town for biotechnology, medical assistant, medical technician, and pharmacy technician jobs. I just have to hope someone will hire me before I'm certified nationally and deal.

I really identify with Neko's lyrics. I know back to this. They just seem to outline living dreams, reality shifts, and the things that float between the lines of our vision as we carry on our lives. We are so haunted and we don't even know it. She does though. Well enough of my cryptic musing. I'll be enigmatic in my own head.

Things are teetering I suppose. This weekend was nice, but it doesn't change where I'm at really. This whole on my complete own business is still hitting me hard in the reality sighter. Well only one part really. The whole how hard it is to get your first career job business. I actually broke down a little friday because I just keep getting more and more upset that I can't find a job then watching my money dwindle more and more. I have a credit card yes, but I'd hate to ruin all the credit I built up over the last 6 years. Oh well. I called my sister and she talked me back to stability Friday. She's been in the exact same spot as me and she had a lot of trouble at first as well. She told me how to tweak my resume, gave me all kinds of info she used, and basically did the whole big sister thing. I'm a lot less razzled now, but I'm still stressed and depressed. Hence the main reason every person I told I'd call I really haven't so far. I'm just not in the mood to talk usually because I have nothing to talk about until I get my life on track for the better. I might actually finish my Pharmacy Tech. Certification though this week and then I can sign up for the National and State Tests. The former I'll have to wait until next year, but the State I can take at any time thankfully. I'm also going to ask my superior at the Free Clinic this Wednesday what kind of jobs each will net me and if I need to be completely instated before a job will take me and such. Regardless I plan to go to the Virginia Employment Commission with my resume today and see what they can recommend I hunt after. I'll eventually call those I mean to. Its just going to be when my mental sanity is buffered again. The only thing really holding me together right now is my exercise routine. Take care all.

Things are finally getting a bit better. If I work all weekend on this CPhT program I might have it done :D I doubt this will happen though since I need some time off from it. I've been living and breathing this material and Brian is coming in from Richmond tomorrow. I also want to hike Dragontooth sometime this weekend. Well time to wait for my crack that is released at midnight. Night all

There was a time when nothing seemed to fly
When nothing could stop us
We were young, invincible and without arc
We would laugh and cry without recourse
Never taking the time into account
Living forward with every second
Our tears were just as easily our smiles
And in the end everything was safe
Snuggled behind our curtains of youth.

Now we look at our hands
Worn into grooves we never knew became etched
We see objects that hold no feeling surrounding us
Realizing we lost that sparkle in our eye
Toiling with complete awareness of every passing second
Returning to a place we want to tear apart
Bashing our fists into our chest
Proclaiming our loss.

I heard it was a journey
To weed the strong from the weak
But isn't there weakness in all of us?
Is it not hard to be strong all the time?
To look to a sun, all alone, every day
Proclaiming everything is okay.

No matter how far away the walls are
They can always close in
Crushing us in our own isolation
Destroying the smiles we were born with.

My job hunting is not going so hot, so I've formulated a new plan due to the fact that at the end of the month I'll be officially broke. Since looking in my realm of college education is yielding nothing I'm going to focus on my certification completely. I'm going to treat it as a real job until I complete it. This means 8 hours a day without fail of working on it. Getting myself in a regiment where I wake up everyday at the same time, take an hour for lunch, and work until dinner. This is real life and I need to stop freaking out and get on the ball with what I can control. I will be able to get a job in no time if I have this certification, while without it I could be stuck flipping burgers. Therefore it makes no sense to keep looking until I have this under wraps. If it gets desperate I can pick up the burger flipping kind of job for awhile, but instead I'll go to a temp agency to find something better if possible. My sister gave me a ton of good advice since she had the same problem when she got fresh out of college. Its good to have a plan now instead of wailing about and getting things done piecemeal. I probably won't be blogging much though for awhile until I've got things stabilized, have income, and have life in order. Take care and farewell till then.

Life has been dull of late and poverty is starting to hit me square in the stomach. I've been applying for jobs that could actually use my degrees, but no such luck yet. I'll suck up my pride and get a temporary shit job if I have to, but it angers me that my double degree basically is an expensive wall hanging. I've been slamming my pharmacy tech. certification out like whoa and have 62% of it done so far, but it can't go fast enough. It angers me that I'll end up finding a job literally instantaneously with said certification that will take me maybe 2-3 weeks longer to complete. While my 4 year degree and my 2 year degree won't do anything. I guess that's how life works eh? Wrong majors, wrong interests.

All the money I have in the world will be up by next month, so I'm starting to get stressed out. This and I'm squared up plugging away at this shit for 6 hours a day minimum, I found out I have a really badly deviated septum today at the ENT doctor, which is the main reason I don't sleep well, I can't breathe well, and I don't have the insurance yet to get it fixed. Needless to say I'm kind of unhappy.

I've done all these things like: completely stop using hush hush materials, I completely stopped drinking, stopped smoking, am trying only to eat good foods, and I'm in the best physical shape of my life. Yet, I'm isolated, unemployed, have one month of insurance left, a pocket full of cash left, and away from almost all my friends. The one blessing is that my best friend Rodney is here, but he's just as poor right now with finishing school himself.

I literally live for the Free Clinic right now, because it gets me out of the house, gives me future job experience, and I get to interact with people. I guess I should apply for some credit cards while I can so I have a backup plan for at least a little bit. Shit sucks and its really hard to be positive right now.

I did write a short story/prose/poem/creative writing essay/whatever you call it that I think is pretty good. I could be wrong though. Let me know yay or nay if you read my blog. Late.
-----
I could smell the shoe polish. The oil breaking across my fingers like a receding tide. A lever had broken and I pounded, pulled, everything; finding a new way into this flawed circle. A flicker towards the clock read 8:35. Slick, rolling in gentle circles. Swiping down the length of both new shoes, already scuffed. These moments lead to the thoughts. The ones that spoke of quiet eyes. A soft whisk brought renewed shine. A glimmer of care no one would notice, but myself. It was a hope for otherwise, but my heart knew better and my arrogance was never strong enough. Washing that oil off the working hands brought a feeling of ready to go. Was it time? Another flicker said it was, but there was apprehension blooming. Who goes alone? There is always that inquiring look, a soft shake of knowing. A feeling of lameness, forgotten, of quiet. How long ago was it since I could look beside me and see a smile? A flicker of laughter and soft acquiescence just beneath those shades in the dark. An acknowledgment of discussion, questions, and closeness. 8:55. Tying, straightening, and showmanship followed. A simple talon on simple cracked and worn leather to adorn the neck. To represent something no one ever inquired about. A last look at my orange friend and I climbed. Idle chatter with my mother. A humble goodnight and the lights flicked on for the door outside.

The door clicked and there was no going back. This trip alone was meant to be made. It was nothing new, but it always felt like the last time. I hoped it was at least. The crank of an engine was all that was needed to confirm the journey. The windows rolled down to let the night whisper in and remember me. A thousand different paths to take. I took the path by one of the only that still remained. A couple wrong turns, but the marble slabs glistened back with the headlights. The utter quiet was eerie. Here lay others I would never know. I guided my rocketship back about face and began towards familiar roads. Not finished and not there. I turned into that lot and made my way to the theater. Incorrect payment; drawing cash to remedy. Second tries should not be taken for granted. A soft smile for the free commodity and the climbing ended in a sturdy seat and a short wait. I saw myself in glimpses over this silver screen. The other pathway, the easy pathway, the lonely pathway. I scrubbed my face and left in silence. Wondering who was this person who pressed forward. Understood the reasons, the despair, and the loss. Quiet did not begin to describe the experience home. It felt of blackholes and endless seconds. Homes lay silent, like caves, gentle lamp light outside of some. Yet, all these places were closed stories, on bookshelves my own hand would never touch. These lives, fragments, and emotions never to be known. Does it even make sense. How many are really out there. Is it even imaginable to comprehend the collective consciousness? How would you even begin to undertake such a vision. Much less imagine all the voices, personalities, emotions, and thoughts. The orange friend greeted this pondering mind on return. A latch undoing and reaffirmed, a slight sigh, and a smell to bring him forth. All smiles and remembrance. A soft touch to remember my own identity. A stroke of keys to remember it all. A tear to wonder how long it would be until these silent thoughts would go without attention. Though this tear would never touch a cheek. They belonged on the inside only. 11:53. A little over three hours. An eternity remained.

Getting ants in ones pants does suck. I remember that happening to me once when I was 9 or 10. Nothing like ants biting your genitals to ruin a good day.

Anyways...I finally have most of what I want installed into my computer. It took forever to set up my computer for Linux, but its so much better. Its a little strange not to really use a mouse much and to use command line to do most things, but its way faster and with less hassle. It is hard as all get out though. Going from a gooey interface to command line is pretty intimidating, but all the pluses are worth it.

On another note I really want to get my next tattoo done. I hope I start getting some interviews and call backs soon. I want job security, benefits, grad school money, time to visit people, and tattoo money. :D

Time to do some pharmacy training. Yose, Yose On

I ran into one my mom's neighbors and talked with her a bit. She asked about my plans and then offered to help me out. Her husband is a well known pharmacist here in town and so she's going to ask him if they need pharmacy tech. help anywhere and give me a recommendation. I was just stunned, since this means pretty much instant job the moment I finish my course. I guess I know what I'm focusing on this weekend. I love when karma comes round. :D

On another small note. I've been thinking about my whole relationship with Jenna and I've decided to stop talking about it. Stop getting angry, upset, and all the other plethra of emotions. It only reflects badly on me to be nasty about it. I did love her dearly and while she wasn't who I thought she was, she still has goodness in her. I hope she conquers her demons and returns to the person I saw within her when I first met her. I probably will never see her again, talk to her again, or even here what happens, but I've made my peace with our past. No longer will I let the poisonous things about our relationship, the bad blood, or anything else poison my mind any longer. I hope the same for her. She has a lot of potential.

Now to get this day on like Donkey Kong. :D

Definitely will take me a day or two to get back oriented and such, but in the meantime I definitely have plenty to do. Especially in regards to school searching, GRE studying, Pharmacy Tech. training, job hunting, etc and so forth. I'm hoping I can find said job though within a couple weeks or so. Although I should know that a benefits job is probably going to take longer than such to acquire.

I found out I have a month and one week left on my pops old insurance, so I'm going to use that shit like its going out of style. i.e. Going to get my last free dental check/cleaning. Also, going to get it to pay most of my consultation fee at the Ear/Nose/Throat doctor about drilling out my sinuses. I've been told that's probably the only way to fix my constant sinus problems. I hope something can help with the constant shit up in there and keep me from getting my yearly bacterial pneumonia and cluster migraines.

Sabin came right to me once he recognized me last night. I was afraid he might have switched allegances with my mom and would be spiteful I left him so long, but he's been all over me like syrup on a hot cake since I've been home and I'm really happy for such. He's also trimmed down since I've been gone. He's been hunting outside my mom said and bringing her dead treats. lol. She doesn't really appreciate it, but she's use to it since her cat does the same.

I'm also glad I waited to get my car inspected. My dealership offered me a free all points inspection in October (They give me all kinds of freebies for buying from them, but usually I'm out of town and miss them). I was planning on getting this done since I recently hit over 50,000 miles so I know my car needs it. I also need to get the weather stripping fixed. Its driving me nuts to hear the back windows smack around and howl with the wind.

I also have been rereading 'The Four Agreements', which is the best self-discovery/self-help book ever made. I really think everyone should read it. Its small (Only a little over a 100 pages) and it really can help you organize your life for the better in no time. I remember my dad loved this book so much he gave everyone he was friends with a copy for christmas one year. If you're a fast reader you could even just read it real quick on a trip to Borders. Anyways...I suppose I've harked on long enough about it.

Time to get to the grindstone.

Oh FSU. You were so close and a legacy died tonight. The first time Clemson has ever defiled home ground. If I had a 40 of OE you better believe I'd be chugging it right now. Loyalities hurt at times.

I've been running this philosophical quandry over and over through my brain all day. Especially while I was running, which is when I reflect most, since I hit this moment of zen when my body just moves by itself and my lungs feel like they could pull and push air forever. I keep looking at my little sister and wondering at what age will her personality develop and solidify. I'm not suggesting people become static at a certain age, because most people evolve their entire life, but at what age does the modus operani of our personality become whole. Things such as level of kindness, curoiusity, interest in music, mode of operation, mode of physicality, scheme of things that bring enjoyment, and other things along these lines. I can't even fathom when this occurred for me. I do know things about me have been static since my first cognitive memory, but that doesn't mean this memory was the beginning its more the first remembrance of awareness.

Ashly I guess this is more pronely directed your way since you have at this period of time took way more psychological classes than I and might be (although I'm not sure and don't want to assume) you have more insight into child psychology. I find it fascinating that we form some kind of general outline for ourselves at some age and just build on this our whole life. What makes this outline form? What influences it to shift? What influences us to add onto it, modify it, or cut certain branches of it away as we grow older?

So really this is more just a running dialogue of my thoughts, because I have no clue, although I'd love to see it develop in Madeline and recognize its birth. To bad I'll be to far away to truly discover this day. At least in her specific case. This is all.

P.S. Actually not all. Go FSU FOOTBALL!

So I have a question to ask everyone and anyone at all. At what age did you truly start listening to music? Make it a part of your life? It become that cliche of cliches being 'The Soundtrack of Your Life'? I'm really interested in knowing what this is for everyone. The rest of this is just mine.

( I faked it )